Solvitur Ambulando

In January of 2022, I made the declaration (only in my head) that this would be the “Year of Maryann.” I was going to write, get healthy, be happy. Big plans, for sure.

That year turned into one of the worst I’ve ever endured. I lost several friends, a job I loved and hoped to retire from some time in the future, two beloved cats, and, in August, my mother.

I was depressed, although I didn’t know how deeply until I was mostly on the other side of it. I’d curl up on the bed or in my chair in the TV room, rewatch as many episodes of The Great Pottery Throw Down as I could fit in, and putter around until I finally found a new job in mid-November.

I never completely gave in to the darkness, though. I knew somewhere deep inside that I had to fake it until I could make it true again. So, I faked it - faked joy, faked faith, faked purpose.

One thing I didn’t have to fake was my love for music - listening to it, leading my bell choir, singing in the choir at church, and, best of all, singing a song or two once a month at my friend Micah’s 2nd Saturday Jam. This is mostly a jazz jam, but Micah always lets me sing what he calls “Micah-adjacent” tunes by Bonnie Raitt, Parker Millsap, and others.

I performed extensively throughout my childhood. Violin recitals first and then voice recitals, chorus concerts, musicals, and school variety shows. But it had been a long time, and these monthly jams helped me build my confidence and remind me what it means to want to do a thing really well, even if it’s just at a monthly jam in front of the most gracious audience who would clap even if William Hung was in front of them, singing “She Bang.”

The year closed out, and I gradually came out of my funk, thanks in part to a good therapist but also because I really had faked it until it was at least mostly true.

One of the things I lost when I lost my job was the opportunity to take a month-long sabbatical. I was planning on hiking 100 miles or so of the Camino de Santiago in May of 2023 as a way to ring in my 60s. I didn’t know the term “Solvitur Ambulando*” at the time, but it basically means “it is solved by walking.” I didn’t have anything specific to solve except the trek into my senior years, but I knew that pilgrimage could give me perspective I’d never had before.

So instead, I plugged away at my new job, sang and directed, planned a church retreat and a writers' conference, and basically put one foot in front of the other - still faking it some, but meaning it much more than I had. Solvitur ambulando-ing without knowing that was what I was doing.

Then Micah asked me if I’d like to record a song for a new band he had put together with a group of amazingly talented musicians. Of course, I said yes - this was a dream I’d had since high school - albeit one that I assumed was unlikely to come true.

And now, I’ve recorded a song in an actual studio, sung in my first gig, and have a song on an album that is so full of beautiful and exciting songs that the band members wrote and collaborated on; it almost makes me cry every time I listen to it.

I have a new sense of confidence, I am happier, I am more engaged with those I love, I’m writing again, I’m finding joy and meaning in all sorts of little things, I have a renewed faith. Obviously, I know that life has its ups and downs, but I’ve proven to myself that I can weather the storms by walking through them.

The name of the album is Solvitur Ambulando, and it is a compilation of the perfect music to listen to while walking and solving (paraphrasing Micah here - but I second the sentiment). And if you’re listening closely, you’ll hear me on track eight, singing an old song by Paul Simon. You’ll hear more than that, though. You’ll hear my life being changed for the better through music.

I’ve told Micah that he changed my life, and while it sounds histrionic, it is true. I didn’t know it then, but the day that Rick and I met Micah and his wife Shea at the Growler Store was one of the most important ones in my adult life. It led me to confidence and joy when those things were hard to come by—and that day led me to a place where I have met a group of new people who are affirming, talented, and kind - Micah and Shea, most of all.

Go download Solvitur Ambulando by the band Standard Candle from your favorite streaming service, grab your headphones or earbuds, and take a walk. And then tell your friends how great it is.

*Attributed to St. Augustine