Solvitur Ambulando

In January of 2022, I made the declaration (only in my head) that this would be the “Year of Maryann.” I was going to write, get healthy, be happy. Big plans, for sure.

That year turned into one of the worst I’ve ever endured. I lost several friends, a job I loved and hoped to retire from some time in the future, two beloved cats, and, in August, my mother.

I was depressed, although I didn’t know how deeply until I was mostly on the other side of it. I’d curl up on the bed or in my chair in the TV room, rewatch as many episodes of The Great Pottery Throw Down as I could fit in, and putter around until I finally found a new job in mid-November.

I never completely gave in to the darkness, though. I knew somewhere deep inside that I had to fake it until I could make it true again. So, I faked it - faked joy, faked faith, faked purpose.

One thing I didn’t have to fake was my love for music - listening to it, leading my bell choir, singing in the choir at church, and, best of all, singing a song or two once a month at my friend Micah’s 2nd Saturday Jam. This is mostly a jazz jam, but Micah always lets me sing what he calls “Micah-adjacent” tunes by Bonnie Raitt, Parker Millsap, and others.

I performed extensively throughout my childhood. Violin recitals first and then voice recitals, chorus concerts, musicals, and school variety shows. But it had been a long time, and these monthly jams helped me build my confidence and remind me what it means to want to do a thing really well, even if it’s just at a monthly jam in front of the most gracious audience who would clap even if William Hung was in front of them, singing “She Bang.”

The year closed out, and I gradually came out of my funk, thanks in part to a good therapist but also because I really had faked it until it was at least mostly true.

One of the things I lost when I lost my job was the opportunity to take a month-long sabbatical. I was planning on hiking 100 miles or so of the Camino de Santiago in May of 2023 as a way to ring in my 60s. I didn’t know the term “Solvitur Ambulando*” at the time, but it basically means “it is solved by walking.” I didn’t have anything specific to solve except the trek into my senior years, but I knew that pilgrimage could give me perspective I’d never had before.

So instead, I plugged away at my new job, sang and directed, planned a church retreat and a writers' conference, and basically put one foot in front of the other - still faking it some, but meaning it much more than I had. Solvitur ambulando-ing without knowing that was what I was doing.

Then Micah asked me if I’d like to record a song for a new band he had put together with a group of amazingly talented musicians. Of course, I said yes - this was a dream I’d had since high school - albeit one that I assumed was unlikely to come true.

And now, I’ve recorded a song in an actual studio, sung in my first gig, and have a song on an album that is so full of beautiful and exciting songs that the band members wrote and collaborated on; it almost makes me cry every time I listen to it.

I have a new sense of confidence, I am happier, I am more engaged with those I love, I’m writing again, I’m finding joy and meaning in all sorts of little things, I have a renewed faith. Obviously, I know that life has its ups and downs, but I’ve proven to myself that I can weather the storms by walking through them.

The name of the album is Solvitur Ambulando, and it is a compilation of the perfect music to listen to while walking and solving (paraphrasing Micah here - but I second the sentiment). And if you’re listening closely, you’ll hear me on track eight, singing an old song by Paul Simon. You’ll hear more than that, though. You’ll hear my life being changed for the better through music.

I’ve told Micah that he changed my life, and while it sounds histrionic, it is true. I didn’t know it then, but the day that Rick and I met Micah and his wife Shea at the Growler Store was one of the most important ones in my adult life. It led me to confidence and joy when those things were hard to come by—and that day led me to a place where I have met a group of new people who are affirming, talented, and kind - Micah and Shea, most of all.

Go download Solvitur Ambulando by the band Standard Candle from your favorite streaming service, grab your headphones or earbuds, and take a walk. And then tell your friends how great it is.

*Attributed to St. Augustine

Still Missing You

The author with her mom, circa 1967 or 1968

Yesterday, August 9^th, marked the one-year anniversary of the last thing my mother ever said to me. The day after tomorrow will mark the anniversary of her death.

In the past year, I’ve run the gamut of emotions regarding my mother’s passing – sadness, guilt, anger – and everything in between. Recently, I’ve replayed her last few months in my mind, wondering if there was anything I could/should have done differently. Should I have been more present (yes), was I loving and kind when I was with her (yes as well) – you know – things we all struggle with when a loved one dies. All the things we can’t change.

We got Mom into hospice care about eight months before she died, and that was a true blessing because I didn’t have to be the “first responder.” When she tried to get out of bed and fell (again), the assisted living’s staff first call was to the hospice nurse, who could determine whether or not Mom needed to go to the hospital.

Two weeks before she died, a substitute/contract med tech found Mom on the floor and couldn’t immediately get in touch with the hospice nurse. She told me she “wasn’t losing her job just because I didn’t think she needed to call 911.” So off to the hospital Mom went, with me following soon after. This was the first time that Mom clearly didn’t know who I was. When I told her I was Maryann, she said, “You don’t look like Maryann.” I pulled down my facemask, and I guess that was enough to convince her, but it was unsettling. In the car on the way back to her Assisted Living facility, she told me she was glad she didn’t have to go to work that night because she didn’t feel good. I’m not at all sure she knew who was driving her home.

Looking back, there were times when I’d walk into her room, and her face would light up. She’d say, “Oh. It’s you!” I now know that she was likely giving herself time to get my name into her mind, but she at least recognized that I was someone she should know. That trip to the hospital marked (or caused?) a big, and what was to be the final, decline in her mental state.

For the two weeks after the hospital visit, her grasp on the here and now got weaker. She spent a lot of time in the past – things like telling me her homework was in the drawer and to make sure she didn’t forget it when she went to class and wondering if she had completed her nightly paperwork before she signed out from her shift as a nurse. I just played along.

The Monday before she died, I went to visit her. She was very agitated, and her restless legs were at a peak restlessness. She was also talking, talking, talking, but I couldn’t understand much of what she was saying. She did ask me where her cigarette was (she quit smoking about 50 years prior), and I told her I put it out.

The most striking thing that happened that day was that, for a period of time, Mom was having a lovely, quiet conversation with someone who was right in front of her. I could tell she was looking directly in front of her face, not off into the distance. And she seemed so happy to see that person. I wish I could have understood what she was saying. Dementia and mobility issues had robbed her of so much joy, and it would have been nice to hear her true sweetness one more time.

Besides the question about the cigarette, the only other thing I understood that day was her saying, “Bye, baby!” when I left. I kissed her cheek, told her I loved her, and that I’d be back soon. I wish I had known that was the last time she’d talk to me. I would have said more.

I went back two days later, at about 3:30 in the afternoon. Her room was dimly lit, and Mom was awake but completely still – a stark contrast from the previous visit when she had been so agitated. A couple of people were in the room, including the regular med tech and the hospice social worker. I asked what was going on, and the med tech said, “She’s transitioning.” Mom’s breathing was labored and loud, but otherwise, she seemed completely at ease.

I thought I was prepared for this next step, but I really wasn’t. Thank God for my brother, Phillip, who jumped in the car and drove down from Knoxville as soon as I called, and the social worker, who stayed all night with us.

Phillip and I held Mom’s hands and spent the night telling the social worker stories about our childhood and ones we knew about Mom’s life. For a time, we were sure she was aware we were there. I’m sure she enjoyed listening to us talk. She liked nothing better than to hear people’s stories. I hope it made the transition easier for her, knowing we were there.

Eventually, Mom’s breathing slowed and then finally stopped altogether. We stayed for another hour or so and then went home to get some sleep. Her cat, Nike, who lives with me now, curled up on the bed with me, keeping watch like he always did for Mom.

And now, a year later, I don’t know any more about how to live without her. I have to resist the urge to take the exit that would take me to her assisted living facility. I have questions only she can answer – forgotten names or events I’m sure she’d remember. Time can be generous and blur out the hard spots, and I know it wasn’t all roses and sunsets, but I sure do miss her.