In January of 2022, I made the declaration (only in my head) that this would be the “Year of Maryann.” I was going to write, get healthy, be happy. Big plans, for sure.
That year turned into one of the worst I’ve ever
endured. I lost several friends, a job I loved and hoped to retire from some
time in the future, two beloved cats, and, in August, my mother.
I was depressed, although I didn’t know how deeply
until I was mostly on the other side of it. I’d curl up on the bed or in my
chair in the TV room, rewatch as many episodes of The Great Pottery
Throw Down as I could fit in, and putter around until I finally found a new
job in mid-November.
I never completely gave in to the darkness,
though. I knew somewhere deep inside that I had to fake it until I could make
it true again. So, I faked it - faked joy, faked faith, faked purpose.
One thing I didn’t have to fake was my love for
music - listening to it, leading my bell choir, singing in the choir at church,
and, best of all, singing a song or two once a month at my friend Micah’s 2nd
Saturday Jam. This is mostly a jazz jam, but Micah always lets me sing what he
calls “Micah-adjacent” tunes by Bonnie Raitt, Parker Millsap, and others.
I performed extensively throughout my childhood.
Violin recitals first and then voice recitals, chorus concerts, musicals, and
school variety shows. But it had been a long time, and these monthly jams
helped me build my confidence and remind me what it means to want to do a thing
really well, even if it’s just at a monthly jam in front of the most gracious
audience who would clap even if William Hung was in front of them, singing “She
Bang.”
The year closed out, and I gradually came out of
my funk, thanks in part to a good therapist but also because I really had faked
it until it was at least mostly true.
One of the things I lost when I lost my job was
the opportunity to take a month-long sabbatical. I was planning on hiking 100
miles or so of the Camino de Santiago in May of 2023 as a way to ring in my
60s. I didn’t know the term “Solvitur Ambulando*” at the time, but it basically
means “it is solved by walking.” I didn’t have anything specific to solve
except the trek into my senior years, but I knew that pilgrimage could give me
perspective I’d never had before.
So instead, I plugged away at my new job, sang and
directed, planned a church retreat and a writers' conference, and basically put
one foot in front of the other - still faking it some, but meaning it much more
than I had. Solvitur ambulando-ing without knowing that was what I was doing.
Then Micah asked me if I’d like to record a song
for a new band he had put together with a group of amazingly talented
musicians. Of course, I said yes - this was a dream I’d had since high school -
albeit one that I assumed was unlikely to come true.
And now, I’ve recorded a song in an actual studio,
sung in my first gig, and have a song on an album that is so full of beautiful
and exciting songs that the band members wrote and collaborated on; it almost
makes me cry every time I listen to it.
I have a new sense of confidence, I am happier, I
am more engaged with those I love, I’m writing again, I’m finding joy and
meaning in all sorts of little things, I have a renewed faith. Obviously, I
know that life has its ups and downs, but I’ve proven to myself that I can
weather the storms by walking through them.
The name of the album is Solvitur Ambulando, and
it is a compilation of the perfect music to listen to while walking and solving
(paraphrasing Micah here - but I second the sentiment). And if you’re listening
closely, you’ll hear me on track eight, singing an old song by Paul Simon.
You’ll hear more than that, though. You’ll hear my life being changed for the
better through music.
I’ve told Micah that he changed my life, and while
it sounds histrionic, it is true. I didn’t know it then, but the day that Rick
and I met Micah and his wife Shea at the Growler Store was one of the most
important ones in my adult life. It led me to confidence and joy when those
things were hard to come by—and that day led me to a place where I have met a
group of new people who are affirming, talented, and kind - Micah and Shea,
most of all.
Go download Solvitur Ambulando by the band
Standard Candle from your favorite streaming service, grab your headphones or
earbuds, and take a walk. And then tell your friends how great it is.
*Attributed to St. Augustine
