Promises

My mother is in the hospital again. She just moved back to her home after being with me for about six weeks following hip replacement surgery. Three days after being home she fell and fractured her pelvis in two places. According to her, she was just hanging up her coat when she lost her balance.

Of course, it’s obvious to me, and to my siblings, that her townhouse isn’t the place for an 82-year-old woman with limited mobility. The sunken living room and the many stairs going up to the bedrooms and full bathrooms are more falls waiting to happen.

It’s also obvious to my siblings and me that her companion is…well, in the interest of avoiding slander and/or bad language; suffice it to say that we’re not fans.

But today Mom made it clear to my brother and sister that she doesn’t care what we feel, worry about, want – she’s going to do what she’s going to do and if we don’t like it, well, so what?

So where does that leave me? Angry, to be sure, and hurt. But what about the bigger picture? It’s easier for my siblings – they don’t live here, so they don’t have to decide on a day-to-day basis if they’re going to check on Mom, go to the store for her, make sure she has her prescriptions, etc. And when Mom was at my house right after her surgery, she told me she didn’t know what she would do without me. I promised her she’d never have to find out.

Now she’s making a decision that maybe shuts me out. She doesn’t want my opinion, and I can’t just be silent if I think she’s unsafe. And to be honest, I don’t want to be manipulated. Do I jump every time she needs something that her good-for-nothing “boyfriend” won’t get for her because he doesn’t like the ethnicity of the customers at Kroger, or doesn’t want to use the gas to go to the pharmacy? Am I allowed to say something then or am I just supposed to swoop in, save the day, and then shut up again? Am I allowed to point out that if she falls and breaks something doing a normal thing like hanging up a piece of clothing, maybe that means it’s time to make some hard decisions before she hurts herself more? Apparently not.

That makes this relationship something different than I thought it was. That means that Mom wants something different than maybe I’m able to offer. That means that maybe I won’t be able to keep my promise. And I don’t know what to do with that.

Prayer Requests

A dear friend sent me a text today, asking for prayers for a family member who is having some health issues. Now, I believe in the power of prayer. I know of an instance where a very powerful prayer warrior got his prayer circle together – probably circling the entire United States, if not the world – and prayed a brain tumor to change colors so that the surgeons could tell the difference between tumor and brain tissue. I myself have had some remarkable, life-changing things happen in response to prayer. But while I know that prayers for her family are in order, I’m not sure that’s what my friend really needed.

I think that she might have just needed some encouragement. Someone who loves her to say, “I totally understand why life sucks right now.” Or, “Gosh, you’ve worked so hard forever, and you’re one of the best people I know. This just isn’t fair.” Or maybe even “You sound like you need a break—how can I help?” But it’s usually easier to ask for a prayer than an ear.

We don’t like to complain. Someone always has it worse than we do, and it feels wrong to bitch about the fact that your house is a mess because no one will clean it but you; or that the mortgage is going to be late again because the power bill was higher than expected; or that a family member is sick and you’re worried, of course, but it’s really hard to get your own stuff done because you have to take care of him/her. Saying any of that out loud feels petty and whiny. Even the big stuff like major illnesses or job losses or *add your own big thing here* can sound bad. This is especially true in the era of Facebook and Instagram, where we put forth our shiny, happy, selves and only rarely expose the painful, dark side of our own lives. Showing the darker side makes us look weak and desperate for affirmation.

But let’s give ourselves permission to text, or better yet, call a friend and say “Man. This really crappy thing just happened and I need to vent. I need someone who loves me to listen to me without judgment. I need some encouragement.”

I hardly ever give myself permission to do that. I’m supposed to be the positive one. And I’m sure my stupid issues are nothing compared to someone else’s problems. So, I’ll just keep it inside. My blood pressure is up, I’m not sleeping well, and I’m angry all the time, but I’m definitely NOT going to bother anyone else with my stupid problems lest I sound like the whiner I believe I am.

So, my friend (I know you know I’m talking to you), I will pray. In fact, I’ll pray for your whole family. But mostly I’ll pray for you and that you know that all you need to do is pick up the phone and text or call. You can count on me to answer, and to commiserate, and mostly to understand. Because I love you. And I know you’ll do the same for me.